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I'm no Keanu Reeves
 
I have no sense of humor, poor grammar, and my spelling is atrocious. Don't blame me if you enjoy my postings. I don't get to express myself much in emails, so this is fun for me. You know what else I find fun? A whoopee cushion.
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Feeling much better today.
Posted:Aug 14, 2020 1:55 pm
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2020 2:00 pm
4073 Views

More myself. Everyone around me feels happier. I still don’t know what to do with the flowers on my desk, so they can stay for now. It’s a good conversation starter. Never considered flowers as a conversation starter for me. As a guy, I only got flowers a couple times in my life. It’s added depth to my understanding and I wish I knew that the “talk” surrounding them is meaningful, although not in a sexual way to the giver. They only started a conversation, but its boring after a minute or two for me. I wonder if there is a way to make the flowers more interesting…Hmmm.

I would really like to meet the guy that put me through so much pain though. A man that I never met that ruined people’s perception of me at work. I’m not sure how that will play out now. What would I say? Probably something stupid as is my modus operandi.

Jumping around a lot... But, I am seeing a pattern with women directly in my life...ALL of them... They get enjoyment out of seeing me in trouble or going through hardship.

WTF? My own mom laughed on the phone at my situation. I asked her why, and she told me because she couldn't believe that I couldn't talk my way out of it. Bringing up a story of when I was a of convincing my Grannie that peanut butter sandwich was better for me than eating squash. I can't see the correlation.

I wrote a very long post....deleted most of it after remembering who would be reading it...FUCK! I am handcuffed.
1 comment
I am so confused about everything.
Posted:Aug 12, 2020 4:12 pm
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2020 7:37 pm
4313 Views

I fucked up a lot the last couple days.

I thought the person that was fucking me over at work was a terrible person, and I got flowers delivered to my desk today with a note from her "I'm sorry."

I told everything to my family...and they didn't believe me.

I told things to my lover...and she laughed at me.

I lost friends at work because of my situation. The accusation is the punishment.

I still have a job and that confuses the hell out of me too. The environment feels more hostile and unfriendly despite being found innocent.

What's the absolute worst is I want to stay angry and I can't. Looking back...I'm the stupid one. I didn't read the signs. Things felt out of control and I overreacted.

I lost interest in everything around me. Work, people, and my fun time.

Life was easier a week ago. Now, I have to rebuild trust with guys at work for something I didn't do. Instead of one complication...Now I have two...and I think the stress is awful.

I asked for a nemesis and found out late today that my blackmailer was not blackmailing me at all. She is...just a woman trying to do the best she can unaware of what she said got me in trouble in the first place.

Its easier for me to forgive her, than myself. It's going to take time.
6 Comments
RIP little one.
Posted:Aug 4, 2020 7:42 pm
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2020 4:36 pm
5515 Views

I should have been better prepared. I just had a memorial a little over a week ago for someone dear to me, and now another That’s life…I’m so sad.

When I found you, next to curb, abandoned, on that hot summer day years ago, I had no idea how much love and joy you would bring into my life, but you did.

Oh, the happiness I felt as opened you up and discovered all that was wrong was a slight misalignment of your innards. You sat next to my computer, always ready to pounce every time asked you.

Remember that time we worked together to get the return of the little down the street? I know, I know…I walked up and down the street with those flyers, but you…you made it possible. It wasn’t your fault they already had the return of the dog. Stupid, F***b***, took away all my fun of meeting new people three blocks over. We did get an invite to a party though, and the bbq was really good.

You held a ream of paper on top of your head. You kept chugging along, my constant companion as you gave me love.

Then…I fucked up. I wrote yesterday’s blog post. 2 views in the hour I was awake…Well, that flopped, I reasoned. I slept. Got up at my normal 430…Did my morning routine…got my coffee…walked into my home office.
There, you were, vigilant, anticipating. I took a swig and logged onto AdultFriendFinder.
This comment…..”
“SilyconBond, I like your shiny blue BALLS."

Had me spewing my coffee all over you, laughing. I rushed to the bathroom to get a towel, but in my panic, I should have unplugged you. Upon return I wiped, but the coffee had touched you in ways it shouldn’t. I heard a sizzle, then a “POP”. The magic smoke that kept you alive escaped. My office room smelled like friend electronics.

RIP my Xerox Phasor 360 printer. I looked up the cost of a new power supply board for you, but it’s almost $30. Plus, your ink cartridges have been discontinued. Ugh… My blue trashcan seems inadequate coffin for you, but in you go.

The desk looks so empty now. Hmmm…I could put that spare desktop there…Nope.
Nope. Have some respect SilyconBond. I need a new printer…or do I? I have that HP LaserJet 4000t sitting in the closet needs toner….HP charges $155 for a new cartridge, no wonder I left it in the closet. I got three good years out of my phasor, how long will you last? My God HP LaserJet 4000t, you have gained a lot of weight since I put you in there. You need to cut down on your fiber intake before I move you around.

Don’t worry HP LaserJet 4000t, I’ll love you more than my last printer. Hmmm….I can actually fit my coffee mug on top of you and a ream of paper. What’s the worst that can happen?

BTW my last two posts got denied...I wonder if its worth to figure what I did wrong?
6 Comments
Church of the Sily con Bond Simulation
Posted:Aug 3, 2020 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2020 3:51 pm
5326 Views

Well, I have decided to create my own cult.

All races, genders, and species are allowed to be members as long as they pay dues.

So, my next-door neighbor’s dog, Zoey, allowed as long as she pays the $1.99 membership entrance fee, she is in like Flynn.

The membership entrance fee is waived for three Dopamine hits on my person.

Since this is a secret cult, no membership cards will be issued. Members need plausible deniability. The only exception to this is Elite Status members in which secret decoder rings are given.

Rule #1
Members should lie to deny membership.

Using these examples can be used in a pinch when asked, “Are you a member of the SilyconBond Church?”
1) No.
2) Hell, no, I am not in the SilyconBond cult.
3) Never heard of it.
4) What the hell are you talking about?

Starting at fifth tiered membership, members should lie in more creative ways when asked, “Are you a member of the SilyconBond Church?” Following examples are acceptable:
1) That guy is an asshole, why would I be that stupid?
2) I would rather eat broccoli than be associated with that guy.
3) He slept with my mom, what do you think?
4) Just because I slept with him doesn’t mean I like him, Jeeze.

Rule #2
I have decided to only accept tithes of Dopamine hits on my person as dues. This can be subcategorized such as…

Money is nice, but I would rather you keep your Money. It would increase my own happiness if you would spend your Money on yourself. I make my own Money and don’t need yours, give me a story instead.

Examples:
1) “Hey SilyconBond, remember that $20 you lent me, well, I needed a new vibrator.”
2) “Hey SilyconBond, remember that $20 you lent me, well, I got a hit of coke”
3) “Hey SilyconBond, remember that $20 you lent me, well, I gave it to my .”
4) “Hey SilyconBond, remember that $20 you lent me, well, I needed it for bail.”

All make me laugh.

Compliments give me Dopamine hits.
Examples:
1) “SilyconBond, I really like your writing.”
2) “SilyconBond, I like your shiny blue hat.
3) “SilyconBond, you give me goosebumps.”
4) “SilyconBond, you are a sex god.”
All worked, but since they have been used are less interesting to me now.

In sults give me Dopamine hits.

In sults directed to other people I don’t like at all.

Paradox, isn’t it? This is my church, build your own if you don’t like it. So insult me is fine. Others, not so much.

A strange feature of my own character is I giggle. I try to stop myself, but normally I can’t stop giggling when I am in sulted.

I can’t really think of an in sult I would give myself. Open for suggestions. Try giving me a few in the comment section. One word insults are boring. Unlike other bloggers, I am not very creative. Go read their blogs for creativity.

Rule #3
I will make up new rules for my church in the future.

Yup, being static bores me.

If I make a make up a rule like all church members will wink twice with their left eye on second Tuesday of the month to people not of the Church, then by the Church of the SilyconBond Simulation, they better or risk ex-communication if caught by members.

I have been considering making the Chicken Reference Scorecard a rule, but that’s for Advanced and Elite members currently. Plus, the Bingo “The” Game is too advanced for low tiered members.

Welcome to the Church, my Silycons. I’m gonna have fun.
17 Comments
WTF Friday night.
Posted:Aug 2, 2020 2:10 pm
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2020 3:54 pm
5490 Views

Man, this COVID thing.

I could eat at Dairy Queen or shop at Walmart. The police have shut down the parks for some reason. Starbucks is only serving drive-thru. I tried Walmart, usually my favorite place shop since I feel like I am the most attractive person walking through there most times. I just couldn’t get into watching the two ah…ladies?...they looked semi female…arguing over an ice cooler. Who cares that it is the last red one? Jeeze.

An hour there and all I bought was an elbow wrap. Literally nobody I wanted to talk to. It happens, but it bores me. Headed home, and didn’t want to go online. Looked at my bike, the one I hadn’t ridden in a year. It’s got two flat tires, needs new inner tubes…you know, the kind you buy at Walmart. Fuck. It would have been a rather nice time to ride and I was in the mood.

I guessed..didn’t like the idea..but it beat watching TV…go for a walk around the neighborhood. Dun, dun, dun. (It's always a last-ditch effort to do something.)
Water restrictions have been tightened from watering our lawn from twice to once a week now. All the grass in the neighborhood looks half dead. Once a week will kill it all. I wanted to just replace my lawn with astro-turf but my HOA won’t allow it. They won’t allow you to replace the grass with just rocks either. I hate their “policies” and this dead look all around the neighborhood.

I got half a block. Two twenty-something boys (Men are boys to me when twenty or more years younger) were sitting on their front porch drinking beer. They waved. My God…someone to talk to. I could barely curb my enthusiasm as I approached them. Neither of them was wearing a mask and I wasn’t. It appeared they didn’t care that I wasn’t. Please infect me I thought. Damn it, no luck.

We chatted, bars are closed, nothing to for them to do on a Friday night. I laughed at that, these guys, haven’t really been successful in social circles. I remember those days, twenty-four, and socially inept. They tried to get me to drink a beer, I refused.

Then their neighbor, an elderly lady waved from the sidewalk as she walked her dog. I told the tallest, “You should get to know her better, her granddaughter is a network administrator like you.”

“How old is her g*********?” He asked.
“Twenty four and she’s pretty,” I said.
“What about me?” The shorter asked. “I need a girlfriend too.” He asked.
“Don’t you guys meet girls online? Isn’t that what everybody does these days.” I asked.
“Dude, we could spend all night talking to women, and not a one would come over.” The taller said.
“Maybe start with your neighbor. Grow your network. Women talk to one another. If you make friends with one, and she likes you, she will pass you to her friend if she has one and she is not available. I see it all the time.”
“Like you, with those two women down the street.” The taller said.
“Yeah, are you having sex with both of them? We see you coming from their house a lot.” The shorter asked.
“I fix their shit when it breaks, besides those two are lesbians. I’m not having sex with them” I said. (Don’t need that rumor so close to home, if was true that's different.)
“You flirt with them a lot.” The taller said.
“Was doing it before I even found out they were married. Besides its fun to push limits with those two. They would be good practice for you guys.” I said.
“Practice?” The taller said.
“With your social skills. You should practice on everyone.” I said.
“We talk to you.” The shorter said.
“No…you waved. I approached you. Then I transitioned into talking about the lawn, then your beer. I kept the conversation going. You guys would just let topics sit and die. I brought up the granddaughter. If you really wanted practice you would have walked the sidewalk to greet me.” I said.
“We wave to people as they come by.” The taller said.
“You filter people. Besides who besides me has made the effort to come up to your porch? People are inherently lazy, wave all day and I bet none besides me comes to your porch. I approached you. The only reason I am talking to you now is that I was bored and thought talking to you guys would bring me out of it. Now, what value can you offer me to stay here?” I asked.
“We offered you a beer.” The taller said.
“I don’t drink beer. I like hard liquors when I drink.” I said.
“We have whiskey.” The shorter said.
“Ok, more interested. What can I offer you in return for a shot of whiskey?” I asked.

The negotiations went pretty good. We moved inside, and conversations blossomed. I kept pulling things they owned into conversations. “Where did you get this from?” and “Is there a story behind this picture? Who are these girls?” I questioned and questioned. Letting them talk about themselves and their house. I really enjoyed it.

I noticed they only had two DVD movies next to the TV, one of them, “Fight Club.” On my second shot, I told them I hadn’t seen it. Which brought a new round of argument on how that was the best movie ever. On my third shot, the movie was started. They wanted to convince me, so I let them.

You know it had been almost a year since my last taste of whiskey. Not sure what we talked about during the movie, but they laughed during the first fifteen minutes. Round four, I fell asleep on their couch. Their blue healer laying on my chest.

I woke a couple hours later. The DVD was cycling the previews over and over. I wasn’t sure how far I got into the movie. The shorter one was crashed on the floor, the taller asleep at the other end of the couch. When I moved, the got off me and went and curled up with the taller one on the couch. Despite them being UT Austin Longhorn fans, they are good boys and more important good neighbors.

The whiskey bottle was empty. My G**, it was a huge bottle. I wondered how many beers they had before they finished it off. The just looked at me as I perused their kitchen. Was trying to think of a prank to pull on them. Put their underwear in the freezer? Switch the salt shaker with ? Maybe put some cayenne pepper in the pepper shaker?

I couldn’t really think of anything until I opened the fridge. Hmmm… A dozen eggs…I’ll only need two…

I placed one egg in each of their hands as they slept. Probably a failed prank, but it gave me a laugh as I left out the front door. At least they would have something talk about later. I had these pretend conversations going on in my own head, which made me laugh louder on my walk home.

It was a nice Friday night for me after all.
6 Comments

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